There were times I thought I had lost my daredevilness. My impulsivity. After months of having friends to do stuffs with…its been extremely lonesome recently. Like a cycle my mood has been labile….though appear calm on the outside, only God knows how at times my heart is crying & screaming away.
When good tidings come, they come in waves…there were days when I had a few ‘dates’ in one day/evening & even hopped from one meetup to another - just coz I wanted to catch up with everyone and somehow those different friends/groups of friends were keen to meet up on the same day. So much so that I was teased for being a social butterfly or to say it crudely kaki lepak lo…. 
The very reason why I haven’t been able to update blogs religiously….nor continue my hobby in writing which at one point of time did seem like a prospective alternative career option or a good side income.
BUT when it rains….it pours! How true. Life is a cycle…
Just like a few years back, once again I have been attempting to call out friends. Its not always others who have to make the effort right? But no one seems free in the weeks when I have a longer gap between my calls and am juz dying of loneliness. Of course that makes me succumb to my lonesome ventures - bulk of the time a stroll in the nearby shopping malls, which often ends up in retail therapy. Definitely a waste of money 75% of the time. On the rare occasions when I am lucky enough to stumble upon sales or lovely items that I actually need, its a blessing & my day’s spiced up 
Ask for more calls? And…..get even depressed? Sigh…..I dont know. With a 24hour notice, during dry season like these, when the only real-life friend I have out of work is me myself, if I am physically fit….I guess I won’t mind doing extra calls. Not at all for the money….simply coz work would keep me occupied.
Ambition to spur me would solve this problem? Often I wonder what on Earth am I doing what I am doing….that I would have made a better social worker than a doctor. Simply because I don’t know where I am heading to in the long run. What will happen in another 7 months?
Once I get the hang of stuffs in a new posting, I will start focusing on the things I love or have grown to like after routinely doing it for what seems like forever. The moment you start getting into the comfort zone, it’ll be time to move on! Sometimes I just blame it on the constant change in this embryonic stage of my profession…
Of course I try to do things I love to spice up those dull moments in my day, post-work. That’s where the real problem lies! Often I end up sleeping…the perfect escapede? But when one hath overslept….and can sleep no more - HOW? The last thing I’ll wanna do is STUDY, though a model HO would.
And when things that used to excite one, hobbies - seem dull and unappealing…you just know that something is terribly wrong. Even crying is hard….if at all the tears do well, juzta few drops and that’s it!! And then the ever optimistic me part of me will kick in and wash off the negative thoughts by focusing on the good things that has happened, the blessings God has showered in the past - though the present seems bleak, I tell self to keep having faith.
WHY? Sounds like depression to me….self-Dx. Or perhaps bipolar mood disorder
GREAT! *roll eyes*
The cause of my depression is a real mystery. Within seconds sometimes I can get manic even….sighz. HHHmmmmm…..maybe, just maybe its all due to the hormonal changes of having the XX chromosomes! =p
But the reason I am still surviving is probably because I refuse to focus on myself (though at times I wonder if I should be kinder to self), and as much as possible engross this soul in serving others in whatever little way I can. Which is probably why I end up listening to other people’s troubles & consoling as well as giving them hope (subconsciously reinforcing my optimism about LiFe TO MYSELF) even when I myself was dying inside. Afterall…..God gave us 2 ears & one mouth
But the reason for all these mindless ramblings is this. In moments of loneliness, I am NOT gonna sms people for companionship anymore (am sick of it d). I am just gonna restart my “Dear Diary” blogging business to keep my sanity and remind me how I am finding meaning in life in the daily life that I am leading..of coz mostly will be retrospective entries of the good times I had or the stories I had to share during those times but was too occupied to narrate at that point of time.
So perhaps my loneliness and being left friendless (to hang out with) is a form of blessing in disguise to retrain my clickity clack typing skill via blogging (writing). And also catch up on movies online *wink*